Freeman Brothers is a funeral director in West Sussex. First established in Horsham in 1855, the company now has a further three offices in Billingshurst, Crawley and Hurstpierpoint. Bereavement has recently been in the headlines due to professional tennis player, Aryna Sabalenka, speaking about her recent experiences. Becky shares her thoughts on the story below…
Before we get into the main part of this post, I’d like to mention that there are references to death and bereavement due to suicide, and therefore advise discretion when choosing whether or not to read it. Unlike our other recent post on suicide bereavement, what follows is general advice regarding returning to work after a bereavement, however there is a specific case mentioned which does again involve this topic.
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I’m one of several tennis fans among the Freeman Brothers team, and enjoy staying up to date on the year-round action. Sadly, earlier this year, that included the news that the ex-boyfriend of Belarusian player, Aryna Sabalenka, had died during the build up to the Miami Open. Initial reports claimed that Sabalenka and Koltsov were still a couple at the time of his death, until she released a statement clarifying that they were, in fact, separated.
Sabalenka is currently world number two, and had a fantastic start to the 2024 season by retaining her Australian Open singles title. Tennis fans – and those who have watched Netflix’s Break Point – know that her win in Melbourne in 2023 had meant a lot to her as, not only was it her first major title having come close on several other occasions, but that this milestone was linked to a goal she had made with her late father.
When her ex-boyfriend died in March, she quickly made the decision to continue competing, with her only concession being to forgo media commitments related to the tournament. She even completed a public practice session the day after Koltsov died, a choice which surprised many, though not me.
Sabalenka isn’t the only professional athlete I’ve heard of playing on in the wake of a bereavement – within tennis alone, Andy Murray has done so. I can well imagine that, particularly when things are going well and an athlete feels that they are on a roll, they want to capitalise upon this due to the fleeting nature of their careers. Whilst many of us experiencing a bereavement in our 20s know that we almost certainly have several more decades of work to go, it’s not the same when you are an athlete, and there must be a level of presumed pressure with that knowledge.
And, career choice notwithstanding, every person is different, as is every bereavement. At Freeman Brothers, we fully appreciate this and, when one of our colleagues experiences a bereavement, they are given the choice of whether they would like to be at work, among others and embracing a level of normality, or off work in order to take care of their own health or handle any logistics they are responsible for. The same could be said for Sabalenka: this could just be her way of coping.
With the US Open now underway, Sabalenka was a hot favourite in the run up to the tournament, and back on press duties, during which she spoke about her choice to play on back in March. What she has revealed is interesting, and shows that what we could all benefit from most is taking a moment to pause before making a decision.
In the interview linked above, Sabalenka reflects on how she responded and chose to act following her father’s death, and that this was her point of reference when Koltsov died. Since then, she has reflected further and believes that she should have made a different choice on the second occasion. I think that this is an interesting piece of learning, and something that we experience often in the funeral industry is people being surprised that their feelings vary between bereavements.
Someone who often sees this first-hand is Beth Kirkham, a celebrant we work with. Beth has kindly offered her thoughts here with us, based on her experiences of providing services for those who have been bereaved more than once within a short period of time:
‘Through my work as a celebrant, I’ve had the honour of supporting a number of individuals who have faced the difficult challenge of enduring multiple bereavements in close succession. One thing I’ve learned is that no two losses are ever the same, even for the same person. Each bereavement is impacted by the relationship held with the person who has died and also the circumstances in which the death has occurred. People can be forgiven for assuming that they may feel each loss in a similar way, but in my experience this is often not the case at all, and it can take people by surprise. It is important to allow ourselves the time and space to feel whatever emotions arise, to honour them and adapt as needed. My role is to help people navigate some of these feelings and to help them find a way to best acknowledge them within a ceremony to say farewell to their person and sometimes to signpost them to places where they can seek further support.’
As mentioned earlier in this post, we’d encourage everyone to acknowledge that each bereavement is different. There may be times when it’s right for you to continue with your usual activities, such as work and hobbies, as you process the early stages of grief. And there may be other times during which you find it more comfortable to withdraw from them. Both of these approaches or, indeed, a combination of the two, are appropriate, as evidenced by Sabalenka’s reflection and our own anecdotal experiences.
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