Local funeral director, Freeman Brothers, continues to mark Dying Matters Awareness Week. Today, Becky has blogged on the topic of what all funerals have in common, and why we value these rituals…
In the literal sense, something that all funerals have in common is that a person has died. Without a death, there is no necessity for a funeral. However, there is no necessity for funerals to have anything else in common.
In the UK, the legal aspects surrounding a death is that the cause of death must be conclusively established, and the body must be properly disposed of – both of these are effectively public health measures above anything else, and they leave the arrangements otherwise open for whatever we choose them to be.
A commonality that the majority of funerals share is that, as a result of someone’s death, at least one person is therefore bereaved, and will go through the process of getting used to the deceased person’s absence. When a group of people comes together in bereavement to attend a funeral, they will typically use this occasion to process the experience, or at least start to.
In my experience, despite cultural beliefs and values, funerals are occasions during which gratitude is expressed for a life lived and the impact of it. Even if our relationship with a person has had challenges, they have often positively impacted us and the world at some point, and this is a natural time to mark that.
Cross-culturally, we also tend to process our emotions by sharing our experiences of the person. As with weddings, funerals bring together people who have been part of different aspects of someone’s life, and they may mostly be strangers to each other. It could be that school friend meets cousin, and colleague gets to know someone who shared a hobby with their mutual acquaintance. Stories are unearthed, memories relived, anecdotes are gathered, and the recognition of the impact one person can have occurs.
The process can be about learning, and it can be cathartic. One of the cornerstones of self-compassion is recognising the common humanity of any experience – we all experience discomfort, suffering, pain, joy, and much more throughout our lives, and being reminded that we are not alone in that is important to soothing ourselves. Funerals can help in this way, no matter who we are or what our background is. Grief is something that we share.
And that shared experience is valuable because it helps us – at whatever speed suits us – to move forward. In understanding that we were part of a person’s life, and that we are all connected to others, we can appreciate that we meant something to them just as they meant something to us. And, whether we realise it at the time or not, that the world will continue to turn in that direction. There will be other people who mean something to us, and we will experience more joy, despite our potential current difficulties.
From the perspective of those organising or attending funerals, these events may appear to be fairly unique – differences in music, or readings given, as well as colour schemes, venues, officiants, transport and much more. But, in reality, cultural practices and personal choices are external differentiators when it comes to funerals. The commonality – and what truly matters when it comes down to it – is the recognition of a life lived, and what that means to those who gather to celebrate it. As different as we all may be, processing the letting go of a future relationship with a person we knew is what each of these rituals has in common.
Prompts this week were shared by Hospice UK
