This Dying Matters Awareness Week, staff of local funeral director, Freeman Brothers, have answered a variety of questions on the topic of death and dying. Today, Abi discusses what cultural traditions and faith practices are meaningful to her and why.
For me, one of the most important roles of rites when someone dies is their ability to give opportunities for people to come together to remember the person who has died and share their grief collectively, whether that be in sadness, in celebration, or perhaps both. Therefore, for me, many of the faith practices that I find most meaningful are those which encourage those who are mourning in such activities. Many different traditions have examples of these which sometimes vary in emphasis but have a common goal in bringing people together.
For example, in Judaism, the tradition of sitting Shiva means that the broader community gathers around those who are most affected by the death. Visitors bring food and tell stories, but also sometimes join together to simply provide a presence. This sends a message that grief is something to be shared, rather than experienced alone. In Islamic funeral rites, the Janazah is a prayer said before the body is buried. This is a communal responsibility where some of the community saying the prayer means the obligation to follow the rite is completed for all: if no one does, then the community as a whole is accountable. Because the purpose of the prayer is to ask forgiveness for the person who has died, there is a personal risk in not participating, as you are accountable if everyone acts the same. This reinforcement of a community’s investment in the afterlife of one of their members shows how people are bound together.
Something that is often seen in traditional Christian funeral services is the congregation singing a hymn together. For me, joining others in song is a way of feeling part of a joint community for the time of the funeral service: the idea of many voices joining in one song is, to me, symbolic of many people who know the deceased person in different parts of their lives coming together to remember them at one place and time. Non-religious funerals can adopt this practice too, with family members choosing songs that mean something or were a favourite, and ensuring the words are available to attendees. Classics such as ‘Imagine’, ‘Wonderful World’ or ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow’ are well known enough to encourage participation by a broad range of people. Other rituals not specific to a particular faith such as placing flowers on a coffin or filing by to touch it, watching a photo montage in a service or having a get together afterwards all forge a sense of community.
Another aspect of funerals that I think can be important is rites that encourage spending time with the person who has died. I understand that not everyone feels the need to do this, and sometimes circumstances of the death make it more difficult, but there is lots of research that suggests that grief journeys are made easier with the closure that comes with seeing the person’s body, which is thought to give an extra level of understanding that they have died, perhaps even at a subconscious or evolutionary level.
We see rituals which encourage these experiences in many different ways across different cultures. For example, both Muslims and members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints will undergo rituals of washing and enshrouding of deceased people for their funerals. Many Sikhs and Hindus will bring deceased people home before their funerals, a practice which is also seen in the Catholic tradition of the ‘wake’, where visitors spend time with the open coffin at home in the days before the funeral. Some cultures, such as the Greek Orthodox and some African communities may have the coffin open during the funeral service to enable a wider circle to pay their last respects.
Related to this in terms of contact with the body, and also to another point which is meaningful to me, is the custom of the Toraja people in regularly disinterring their buried relatives in their ‘Ma’nene’ ritual, also called ‘care of the ancestors’. While this is an extreme example which I know is not replicated elsewhere, I do link it to the idea of keeping the memory of someone alive. For example, many branches of Buddhism have rituals to be performed a certain interval after the death, both in terms of days (the seventh, 49th, and 100th days are particularly common) but also specific years. Hindus have a two-week period in their lunar calendar called Pitru Pasksha which is dedicated to commemorating ancestors and both the Japanese Obon and Mexican Dia de los Muertos festivals are times to visit resting places of people who have died, make offerings, and clean their memorials. These times are characterised as joyful gatherings of family in both celebration and remembrance. Perhaps more commonly for us in the UK, burials (of bodies or ashes) and ashes scatterings in special places give us a focal point that we can connect with when we want to remember.
I think what all of these ideas have in common, for me, is a link between people: sharing our emotions with others who feel the same as we do and remembering the person who has died, acknowledging that we still have a relationship with them even after their death. No one can take away the fact that they were your parent, sibling, partner, friend… for me, this is what makes a certain tradition or practice meaningful: the connections it gives us to those we care about.
Prompts responded to this week were shared by Hospice UK
