Freeman Brothers was first established as a funeral director in Horsham, West Sussex, in 1855. The company remains run by a direct descendant of founder, Bede Freeman, and now has a further three offices across the county in Billingshurst, Crawley and Hurstpierpoint. Colleagues are frequently asked whether children should attend funerals. Here, Community Co-Ordinator, Becky, gives a response…
The simple answer to this question is: it’s up to you, and them.
My own parents faced this dilemma when I was a toddler, and my younger sister a baby. Ultimately, they chose to attend with my sister, and have me stay with our grandparents. Over 30 years later, my Mum advocates positively for this decision – she barely saw my sister at the wake, as the baby was passed around from guest to guest, innocently breaking the tension, and allowing Mum the rare opportunity to eat a meal uninterrupted.
I can understand why people worry about children and babies being ‘disruptive’ at a sombre occasion, or behaving ‘inappropriately’, and I think there are two things that you can consider to help yourself with this. Firstly, most adults are aware that children and babies are unpredictable, and may be unfamiliar with adult codes of behaviour. There does therefore tend to be a bit of grace offered to them. Secondly, the way for older children to learn how to handle their feelings, and conform to expected behaviours, is to put them in those situations, rather than hide them away from them.
In addition to this, funerals are sometimes now quite interactive: generations of families and friends have assisted in carrying coffins and, whilst this doesn’t tend to be possible for children, many are now thinking beyond that. They may want to help choose flowers if the bereavement is particularly close or meaningful to them, and there might be the chance to sing along with a favourite song, or select photos to be displayed.
I like to think that, in our culture in the UK, we have moved away from the stage of children being seen and not heard, and that young people have a voice, and a place in public. When you give particular consideration to the fact that a significant number of children will be bereaved of a parent before they hit adulthood, it could feel particularly cold to actively exclude an older child from their own parent’s funeral.
Many older children will be able to express a preference, and may need some support prior to deciding whether or not to attend. It could benefit them to know what will happen at the funeral – particularly if they haven’t been to one before – so that they know what to expect and choose whether it’s right for them. They might also feel more comfortable if they know how and when they could leave if they need to, and who will be there to support them if they require help during the service.
It can be a good idea to think about what kind of help and advice you might need if you were attending a funeral, or another occasion for the first time, in order to inform your thinking an pre-empt what a child might need. It’s also worth remembering that we all get to decide prior to each individual occasion: just because a child has chosen to attend one funeral, it’s better not to assume that they definitely want to attend all future ones they are invited to, and to check in before each funeral instead. They may not feel the need to go to every one – we all process our feelings differently, and no two bereavements are the same.
At this point, I would refer you to this advice from the charity, Winston’s Wish, which offers some great insight for making a decision. What it comes down to is making the best decision for each child, and those accompanying them at the time when the choice must be made. There is no hard and fast right or wrong answer in this context, it’s more a case of not making assumptions and ensuring that each individual feels comfortable in their choice.
